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Whilst I'm sure you're gutted, firstly I applaud your honesty and secondly I'm genuinely pissing myself at that f**king lampost. You couldn't make it up!
Best resolution here would be to pay on a credit card then get it into an actual specialist to do it again. Make a bit of a deal that if they do the work, they take 20 mins and write you a report as to how it was wrong. Send this off to your credit card company and ask for them to refund the...
Why are you so sure it's coming from the rear @DaveDreads ? If you haven't jacked it up it'd be pretty difficult to tell whilst driving along especially with your bloody exhaust booming away.
Are we serious in here?
Honestly?
For the love of god don't bloody glue badges to your paintwork.
Post a wanted ad, or get down to a breakers yard. It'll cost like £3 for some badges. If you go to a breakers yard, this time remove them carefully.
I've read what you've written.
It's basically "buys expensive car, moans at expensive costs".
Combined with a little bit of, "can't be bothered to try to solve problems yourself, so spends jew gold instead and moans about it".
I mean, who the hell spends £50 to diagnose a battery change? Or...
What you doing with the other set of wheels chap? My poor mate's are the worst I've ever seen, peeling so bad it's horrific. A spare set to refurb would be ideal!