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Why cant a simple job be simple?!

Went to chage my oil today, fine until i came to change my filter, how the hell are you supposed to get a tool to that in a valver?! now i have to ride down to halfrauds tomorrow and see if they have one of the small ones.

So moving on from that i decided to change my battery as my old one is dead, fookin clamp snapped and then i discover i cant change my battery cos when i take off the -ive terminal my alarm goes flippin wappy.

So now i have a car with no oil in and an insecure, flat battery.

So, really what i am asking is anybody have any tips on the oil filter and does anybody know any way to reset/change the valet code on a clifford (or any other tricks) so i can change my battery.

Cheers for any help, bailey.
  Ultra 197 ex 172 Cup
Re: Why cant a simple job be f***ing simple?!

i managed to get a chain wrench around it, when i had one of them cars, it was a bit easy with that.
Re: Why cant a simple job be f***ing simple?!

Cheers, just feel like topping myself atm, have cut up my arms getting to it.
Mr. Haynes recons you can do it with bare hands, yeah right!

Will look better when i have chilled out in the morning.

Real point of contention is the alarm cos the car barely starts and i need to replace the battery.

Anyone know how to cheat cliffords?
  Ultra 197 ex 172 Cup
Re: Why cant a simple job be f***ing simple?!

try and stick some elastic bands around the oil filter help your hands get a rubber grip ;) don't know about the alarm
  1997 Mk1 Megane 2.0 16v
sitck a screwdriver thru it, and as your supposed to put the new one on by hand anyways no probs there! you dont need the old filter so no problem in wrecking it
  Looking for a ph-quick...
They are a bit of a pain, i jsut managed to get it out with my hands wearing polythene mechanics gloves, removed the two bolts athold the radiator in place and pushed the rad forward (easier to get your hand in then). Got a pretty good grip on it then!
Cheers, will try rubber gloves and if all else fails ill attack it with a hammer and somthing sharp.

Alarms still doing my nut though.

If i had the valet code would be all simple but the previous owner was a loser and just looked at me blank.
  Clio 1.8 16v & AX GT
i used an oil filter tool which is hard 2 describe but is like a pair of long curved pliers with large teeth on the end. i got under the car and had to clamp jst the teeth on and move it a few mm at a time. very frustrating! but once its loose enuff i cud get my hand through the gap by the drivers headlight to unscrew it and save geting ur hand shredded by puting ur hand in from under the car.
  naples valver
when i change my mates his oil filter had like a 27mm nut shape moulded on it so just used a spanner not sure if urs does, mine didnt so i used one of my many oil filer removers to get it off. it is a pain but can be done, or as someone else said try a screw driver hammer it through and try levering it but leave that as a last resort cos a mate tried this and it just ripped the filter to bits when levering it. as for the clifford alarm u can trick it, it involves using another cars battery and some jump leads what u do is connect the jump leads to the other cars battery and then to positve and negative cables on ur battery carefully then disconnect the cables from ur old battery while leaving the jump leads connect ur cables to the other cars battery therefore the clifford does not lose its power source! remove ur old battery and replace with new! hope that helps!