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Tbh that really doesn't sound like a dephaser issue, I had a noisy dephaser for over year on my Cup which gradually got worse but that just sounded like a diesel engine on idle, the knock you've got there is more pronounced. That Aux belt would worry me too.
Tbh my Cup use to be able to match CTRs at the higher end of the MPH scale. Having driven my mates though (not enthusiastically) the build quality is worlds apart and that gearbox is brilliant.
Sony J70 I owned a long time ago had to be the worst phone I've ever had. Hateful piece of s**t that thing was, indestructible though. Even dropped it off a roof and it hit every scaffold bar on the way down, slipped out my hand when someone rang me on it, it was still ringing when it hit floor lol.
Like a heart beat monitor? That's the "limp home" mode. Mine did this when I had a faulty UCH, Sounds like it needs to go on a diagnostic machines tbh.
Edit: Ideal if you could borrow a coilpack off someone, swap it over and see if it cures the problem.
I know you say the lights on the dash go out as per usual but does the immobiliser light go out when you turn on the ignition? Or does it stay on and flash?
Front bumper looks naked without them, strange how just a piece of plastic makes all the difference. I just replaced mine with one of those cheap Skoda splitters.
Can't speak for anyone else but I made a fair bit more than that and got to keep quite a few parts for the Clio I own now. Yeah I agree it's a right mare and you're tripping up over car parts for a few months. Just depends if you can be bothered with it all I guess.