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Just for fun......... :)

A man walked into the service dept of his local renault dealer and asked
to buy one brake pad only. The boy working there told him
that they only sold PAIRS of brake pads. The man was insistent that
the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some freekin asshole
wants to buy a half a set of brake pads !." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so, he added quickly, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the
deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son? "Stockport, sir," the boy
replied. "Well, why did you leave Stockport ?," the manager asked. The boy
said, "Sir, theres nothing but whores and football players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Stockport!" The boy replied,
"No sh*t??? Who did she play for?"

Diplomacy... dont ya love it


whats got ..

one eye, one horn, it flys, its purple and... it eats people.......


whats got 6 legs, one black ball, and if it falls from a tree, it will kill ya ??


or how about;

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "Whats the hurry?"

I replied, "Im late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "Im a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until its about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Franks with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipedes house and shouting, Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Franks place and have a drink with me?"

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! Im putting my shoes on ."

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.
The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embarass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.
The whole office heard the secretary bursting out with laughter as a reaction from the computers screen response:
" Password rejected. Reason: Too Short"
  Corsa 1.3 CDTI

A brain and battery walk into a pub.

Barman turns round and says "Im not serving you"

To which the brain and the battery reply "why not ?"

Barman turns around and says "Cause your outta your head and your charged up"
  Corsa 1.3 CDTI

Two Mackems are riding along the A1231 from Gateshead to Sunderland on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the mackems ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and hes late for his delivery so he tells the Mackems he has to leave. The Mackems put it to the driver that if they
can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Northumbria Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Mackem eggs". The policeman obviously doesnt believe this so
wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"Ive got a wagon with 20,000 Mackem eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already".