Me: Alright lads, today is a massive day. We have three events left in the championship, let’s go out and win them all! O.Goh, what’s wrong?
O.Goh: I am feeling down.
Me: Why?
O.Goh: No reason.
Me: Is it because I haven’t used you in a while
O.Goh: Kind of.
Me: Does winning make you feel better?
O.Goh: Sometimes, doesn’t really matter.
Me: Ok f**k this, who else is up for the races?
I.Pope: Oh me,me,me. Quick question, does my forehead feel hot coach?
L.Bean: I am good to go as well coach, just need to shake these chills. Anyone else cold?
Me: What the f**k is with you lot!? You’re like a bunch of menopausal women.
B.Tran: I am a woman coach.
Me: What! My bad B.Tran, you never take off that helmet and I just assumed you were a man. How about you take the wheel today, let me make it up to you.
B.Tran: Thanks coach! I won’t let you down. It is a 300hp average sedan race with unrestricted tires. What do you think I should grab from the garage? The STI? The Focus?
Me: Um, nah why don’t you take out the Minolta
B.Tran: Really? That seems a bit much. I think I can handle the competition with the STI.
Me: Take the Minolta, trust me.
*The race begins*
Me: Overtake!
B.Tran: Whoops, rear ended N.Soto, my bad.
Me: Ok, no problem, shake it off, overtake!
B.Tran: It is hot in here, I think I am going to hang back a little. Oh, this guy is next to me, better slow down. Or should I pass him? I am not sure. I need some advice coach. This racing thing is just so darn confusing sometimes.
Me: Overtake!!! You literally have four times the horse power FFS!
B.Tran: Wow these turns sure are scary, but I seem to do well on the straights! They aren’t even close to me after that last lap.
Me: Yeah yeah, good job just keep your head in the game.
B.Tran: I am gonna just roll down the windows and cool off a bit, is that ok coach?
Me: You’re in a god damn race! What do you mean cool off?! You are a disgrace to the sport of racing, pace up you chicken s**t! I am going to go make a stiff drink and try to forget the tremendous disappointment you and your teammates are to me. If you don’t hear anything from me, just remember you are in a race and should maintain a fast pace no matter what.
*Radio goes silent followed by muffled cursing in the distance and an uncorking of a bottle*
B.Tran: Coach? Coach? Should I slow down? I am coming up on these lapped cars and it is making me really mad. So mad I could just, whoops! Went a little wide there, let me just steer her back on the road, Whoops! went off on the other side. If I could just get her going strai... Oh no! all of the other cars! Ok, I think it is best to just sit here politely until they all pass.
*Gunshot echoes across the radio, followed by a loud thud*
B.Tran: Coach?