If you literally have no idea where the spark plugs are, or where the sump plug might be (think about it for more than a nano second and you'll realise it'd probably not the top of the engine) then just don't bother .. take it to a garage, or ask your dad/uncle/friend to help you.
The haynes manuals are not useless they will give a good description on how to do a service , alothough I would advise you have some kind of mechanical experience , Forums are the best for overall information but the manual is car specific.does the haynes manual have everything in that you need to do the basics?